I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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