I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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