The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
