she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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