I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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