So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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