What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
