he told me I talked like a deaf person
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
the liver wants what the liver wants
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
