Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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