Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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