So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Randomize
