So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
thus making me awesome and them whores
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
