If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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