I accidentally burped into my bong.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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