Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
