my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
