meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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