im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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