thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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