i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
