I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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