Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
