im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
