HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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