so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I can't put those talents on a resume
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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