God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
