Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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