dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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