You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
