She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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