I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize