Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
