If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
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