Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
