My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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