Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
