Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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