i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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