I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
