I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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