did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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