dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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