There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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