I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
