Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
