Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize
