Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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