my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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