I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
