My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
