I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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