the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
