Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
