theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize