it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
be right there i have to get my cape
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
