At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
bring money and cleavage
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
