best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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