my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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