Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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