Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
