So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
