Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
